Finding Your Way Through Grief in 2021

What were your plans for 2021? For me and many others, these last couple of years were not what we planned on and hoped for. We can’t even go to school or work like we used to! When things don’t go as planned, this can invite grief into our lives. Grief is often unexpected and we quickly learn that we can’t live life like we did before. It’s adjusting to life with loss knowing that everything has changed. Grief is a natural reaction to loss (not just death).

Have you lost a loved one, gotten divorced, had a miscarriage, have had to put dreams on hold, moved to a new state, or experienced the death of a childhood pet? With the holidays approaching you may be experiencing a sense of dread or unease. This time of year is difficult for many people who are grieving and it’s hard to escape feeling alone or devastated. How can you grapple with loss in 2021? Maybe you used to ignore, distract, numb out, or isolate yourself from others in order to avoid pain. 

I invite you to try something different this year.

This first step may be the hardest: identify what losses you’ve experienced and that you continue to grieve, or losses you may have overlooked or deemed “unimportant”. There is no such thing as a loss too small to grieve. For me, it’s important to be mindful of when my grief is overwhelming or more intense than the usual day-to-day grief experience. It’s okay if your loss was 30 years ago and you are still feeling pain.

Step two may sound a little weird: make a grief plan. The plan can include time for self-care, for connecting with your support system, and for allowing yourself to grieve (and really feel it).  You might choose to spend time in nature, take a break when needed, call a friend, journal, or cry. I like to schedule times to grieve and take care of myself during holidays or anniversaries. Maybe, for you, this means finding support through therapy or a local grief support group. (Here’s a wonderful resource in Columbus, Ohio: https://cornerstoneofhope.org/columbus/)

Step three: remind yourself that there is no “right way” to grieve or live this life. You may not be ready. Maybe the loss is still new and all you can do is breathe with each moment that goes by. Or, surprisingly, this may be the year you allow yourself to find meaning and purpose amidst the loss. However you decide to cope with your grief this year, be gentle and kind to yourself. You’ve found your way so far and you can still find your way in this.

The Mindful Partnership

Mindfulness is a major buzz word in our culture right now. And why not? It's such a helpful tool in staying present, combatting anxiety, and increasing positive mood. It can help us feel in control and really focus on the things that are important. 

I love mindfulness and what it does for individuals. But what about couples? What about marriages? How can mindfulness be impactful there as well? 

Did you know that marriage rates and divorce rates are going down? This isn’t a reflection that people are dating or partnering less, but more of a reflection they are less likely to get married. Relationships are still facing the same patterns, stressors, and cycles regardless of a marriage certificate. And while specific populations may have different needs and barriers in relationships, relationships typically all boil down to the same basic needs: 

Communication

Honesty

Respect and Understanding 

Common Goals

Feeling Valued and Seen

Interdependence

Genuine Friendship

Regular Intimacy 

These things sound so simple and easy...but they aren’t. When partners are working jobs, trying to maintain friendships, working on their own health, and having kiddos/pets….having time for an intentional partnership can be low on the priority list. Add in a dash of miscommunication, resentment, or just tiredness, and these simple things can become big stressors. 

While some relationship stressors exist for a season and others are long term and need a more serious intervention…we can all start with basic mindfulness.

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 A “mindful partnership” is the act of staying connected and present in your relationship. Even if that is for only 10 minutes a day. It's looking at a partner and giving a compliment, walking by and touching their arm, it could be writing a 2 minute letter about how you see them, taking a moment to put down the phone and really listen, or looking at the person and thinking of them. A mindful partnership is setting aside a moment to be with them, or stopping to hug. It's also being honest about how you really feel in the moment.

A mindful partnership is you choosing to be there in the moment when it might be easier to check out, go out, talk about the kids, work late, etc. It has to be mindful, otherwise it won’t regularly happen. Mindfulness isn’t about feeling present...it's about becoming present. 

How do we “become more present” when life is pulling us in so many directions? 

Start small. Maybe you set a reminder on your phone to spend 30 seconds a day thinking positive thoughts about your partner. Someone could start by trying to intentionally initiate physical touch at least 1x a day. It could be sending a text or letter that communicates seeing them and all they do. Even just staying off of your phone at dinner could be a start.

The goal isn’t to be mindful all the time….the goal is to grow towards a more mindful partnership one moment at a time.

*If you are struggling in your relationship and feel like you could benefit from a more intense intervention, reach out to a counselor to discuss your options for individual or couple’s counseling. One or both might be a great fit.   

New Year, Positive Me

2020 was not the year I thought it would be, to say the least.  This past weekend I have been spending time reflecting on 2020 and what I want in 2021.  The new year is an opportunity for us to reflect, start fresh and make choices that align with our values and goals.

Here is an idea to help start your New Year the way you want:

Consider making a Vision Board.  What do you want in 2021? Seriously, what do you really want?  Is there a new job that you have been thinking about for some time now?  Do you have some looming debt that you want to pay off?  Do you want to experience love?  Do you have past hurts that have made it difficult to move forward in life and you want to figure out how to make changes?  Is there a place you have wanted to travel to but haven't yet?  Making a vision board is a great opportunity to reflect on the past and look forward to the present and future.  

The idea of a vision board is to manifest things that you want to happen.  Manifesting is having a clear vision and understanding for what you want.  When you make a vision board, you are sending images to your brain of experiences and things you want to manifest or make happen.  This empowers us to make the life we want through our own choices.  

When you create a vision board, you are selecting images that represent things you want.  Here is an example of my vision board from 2020.   In my example, each image means something very specific to me.  Let me explain a couple of my images to give you an idea:  Hope is a mindset that I wanted to have this year (hope for the future and that things will get better), Savings represented having a $3000 emergency savings account and the LGBT Community was about building more relationships in the LGBTQ+ community.  I create my vision board in Google Docs and then print/hang so it is visible each day.  To manifest the things/experiences you want, your vision board needs to be visible so the images are constantly in front of you.  

This practice of creating a vision board  helps me make decisions based on my values and what I want for my life.  By seeing my vision board daily, it causes me to think about what I have decided I want in life and how I am going to get those things and/or experiences.  This is an activity I do in the first couple days of the New Year.  

How to make a Vision Board:

1. Carve space to think about your goals and desires for the next year.  What do you really want in 2021?

2. Notice themes/values across your goals and desires.  Write them down!  This allows you to focus your vision board on a couple ideas.  Make a list of these goals and make sure they align with your values.  For example:  As  I have been thinking about 2021 there have been two big ideas for me positivity and healthy choices (mentally, emotionally and physically).  My images for what I want this year will be centered around these ideas.

3. Take your list and turn it into a visual board using something like google docs, art, word, a poster, etc.  Be creative and make them your own!

4. Display somewhere you will see it daily to be inspired and centered.   I have them framed in my workspace at home.  I am proud of these and want them to be displayed in such a way that shows that.

5. Go after your manifestations with everything you got.  Consistently think about them, daily look at them, and find practical ways to meet those goals or work towards them.  The daily choices you make will impact your manifestations in a significant way, either positively or negatively.  Remember the choice is yours!

6. Share your vision board with others.  There is something to be said about sharing your goals and desires with others.  It provides extra motivation to focus on them.  Plus, if you have a great group of friends like I do, they will be there to support and encourage you to reach your goals/desires.  The people around you play a powerful part in the future you want!  Caution:  there are always nay-sayers out there.  Don’t let them impact you or distract you from the life you want.  Haters gonna hate...thank you Taylor Swift!  The nay-sayers and haters aren’t worth your time.

While I have not made my vision board yet for 2021, one idea I have is that I want to focus on making healthy choices.  One way I am starting my year of healthy choices is by creating a Bingo: Home Workout Edition.  

This is something I have created for myself to start the new year on a positive note that aligns to my values and vision for 2021.  As it is getting colder, I am noticing it is harder for me to have motivation to stay healthy.  I created this workout bingo with videos and ideas for working out at home with no equipment needed.  I need a plan if I am going to get where I want, this is my plan to start the year.  I have never done this before, so I will see how it goes.  You will see there are a variety of different things to do...I mean who doesn’t want to Jazzercise and dance with Richard Simmons from the 80’s?!?!  My goal is to blackout my board in January.  Feel free to make a copy and use if you want, you can keep my squares or make your own!  I am planning on taking pictures and some videos to document the fun this month!

Are you interested in making a vision board?  Do you want to join the January Bingo Home Workout challenge with me?  Follow me on instagram @dj.barks and let me know or join in on the fun!  Let’s make 2021 the year we want!

The Day After Election Day…

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Anyone else feeling a little anxious about the upcoming election? Regardless of your candidate of choice, this election is bringing out all sorts of feelings and the majority are not “positive”. Depending on the outcome of this election, the following day, you may find yourself feeling mournful, angry, elated, justified...you may even feel a mix of all of the above.

The day after election day is going to be an intense day for our country. People are uncertain of what to expect and how different groups may react...and that’s on a national level. Maybe you are also uncertain about how this election will impact your workplace, school, or even family. You and your partner may have conflicting views and the coming days may be filled with tension. 

Have you given any thought to what your reaction might be depending on who “wins”? If your candidate loses, what might your day look like? If they win?

Why not prepare now??

It doesn’t have to be just another day for you. It can be a day for which you plan to care for yourself: to mourn, to celebrate, to escape, to rest.

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Here are some ideas for things you can do the day after election day: 

1. Take the day off work

2. Plan something fun- a hike, art project, yoga class, etc

3. Go out with like-minded friends to either celebrate or to commiserate

4. Turn off all your social media for the day

5. Avoid the news

6. Plan your favorite meal or snack for that day

7. Schedule with your therapist 

8. Phone or Skype date with people you love

Maybe you have other ideas of what you might need or want that day. Maybe you just need to go on...business as usual. Whatever you decide, I hope you make a plan and take care of yourself well.

Fall-ing.

For many,  Fall is one of the best times of year. It's sunny- warm but not too warm, the leaves are beautiful, sweaters are the best, and the food starts to get really homey and familiar. But for many with mental health, this time of year can feel like the beginning of the “end”. Because we all know what's RIGHT around the corner…winter. Cold days, little sunshine, holidays that may remind us of those we’ve lost, stress, etc. For many who have mental health, fall signals that things might be about to get worse. 

It makes sense right? We go out less, we have less vitamin D, and the holidays can bring a myriad of emotions. While it makes sense, it still seems to take many of us by surprise. January of every year is ripe with people starting therapy because they feel down, unhealthy, or tired-  and I’m glad they are reaching out! But, even those already in therapy or who have been managing their own mental health may experience a decline over the winter. It's actually REALLY COMMON. 

So what do we do? 

1. Start talking to your providers about it NOW. Whether a therapist or a doctor, start the conversation. Your therapist can help you prep and your doctor can maybe increase medication or start you on vitamins to help counteract. 

2. Start or continue a rhythm. What I mean by this is have something you commit to every week. So it could be Monday night girls night, poker night, guitar lessons, date night, brunch, running group...but it needs to be something with other people, you are committing to, even if just virtually. 

3. Learn something or start something new. In addition to a rhythm that helps you keep getting up and out there, start something that will challenge and motivate you when the winter doldrums start to rear their ugly head.

4. Tell your people. We need people who will ask us how we are and with whom we feel we can answer honestly. 

These things are not a cure for the “winter blues” or the increase in symptoms, however the list above will help manage the symptoms and can alleviate their severity.

What you need to know is this: You are not alone in experiencing a decline in mental health, you do have choices in how to prep and handle the changing of the seasons, and support is never more than a phone call away.

Interdependence. Do YOU know what it is?

I have been working with teens and adults for over 10 years now. People from all walks of life: education levels, ages, backgrounds, races, orientations...you get the idea. And yet, I rarely run into anyone who knows the word “interdependence”, let alone its meaning. 

Oddly enough, interdependence is one of the most IMPORTANT concepts when it comes to being a healthy you and having healthy relationships….so how have we missed it? 

Maybe you are the rare person who knows exactly what I’m talking about, but on the chance that you don’t, here it is: 

Interdependence- mutually dependent, the state of being respectfully dependent on one another. The ability to maintain your own values and sense of self while caring about and meeting the needs of another.

Why is this different from dependence or codependency? Dependency by nature implies an imbalance. One person is taking care of the other- i.e. a child and parent/caregiver. Codependency is when two people are so dependent on one another that individuality is lost. It is less about mutual respect and relationship, and more about control. 

Here let me show you using circles: 

Dependence:

Think about a baby and a parent/caregiver. The baby is still their own person and working towards independence but right now, they need their parents/caregiver for everything. They are dependent on them for survival. 

Codependency: 

See how you can’t even tell there are two circles there? That is because in codependency, the two individuals cannot function without the other. They often need the other person to be just like them, agree with them, etc in order to be okay. Individuality (disagreement, differences)  is not safe in this type of relationship. *By “safe” I mean...being oneself in the relationship is not permitted, accepted, etc. There are consequences for being you. 

Independence: 

This is a natural part of growth- to become independent. Independence is the stepping stone to interdependence. We need to know how to take care of ourselves and how to meet our own needs before we are able to take care of others. However, two independent people cannot have a relationship without a willingness for some dependence or bending. 

Which leads us to- 

Interdependence: 

See how these circles are joined…they are connected, but you can still see two distinct circles. That is because, it is two independent persons forming a connection and healthy dependency. They are able to be different and have their own thoughts and values while having a relationship. 

Interdependency is a lot of work. Not only are we often not taught it as a concept, but we are not taught how to practice it or achieve it either. Maybe you have found yourself in relationships feeling like you give and give and give. Or you feel alone and like you have no one. Or you feel controlled or insecure in your relationships. These are not roles that have to be set in stone. We are capable of great growth, learning, and change. It often starts with someone saying “I’m going to be a healthier me, and in doing that, I will be a healthier us.” And that is interdependence. 

To learn more about interdependence click here.

Body Talk.

Anyone else feeling a bit embarrassed about their body these days? Whether it be a lifetime of battling negative thoughts, or new thoughts brought on by stress and COVID-19, we are constantly being bombarded with body image and weight messaging.

You can go on social media, the news, talk to your friend….and you will see and hear wording like:

“COVID weight gain.”

“pre and post covid body”

“summer body”

“I’m so fat.”

“My jeans don’t fit”

I recently saw a headline that said: “The COVID 15” referencing the average weight people have gained under lockdown.

While there is a collective joking about the weight gain, the joking serves to mask our discomfort. Because let’s be honest, as a society, we are not okay with weight gain. How we view ourselves can GREATLY impact our mental health.

It can cause:

1. Shame

2. Avoidance of friends and social situations.

3. Eating disorders.

4. Comparisons and obsessive behaviors.

5. Negative self-talk

6. Depression

7. Anxiety.

So what do we do? It is an(my) opinion, that we have to start with reframing our ideas about our body and its purpose. When we start to challenge our own thoughts and ideas about our bodies, then we can begin to call out the negative talk, give grace to our shame and embarrassment, and honor the body we have. There is a FABULOUS group on Instagram called “Beauty Redefined” and they have a pointed quote that reads:

Loving your body isn’t believing that your body LOOKS GOOD, its believing that your body IS GOOD, regardless of how it looks. It is understanding that your body is an INSTRUMENT for your use, not an ORNAMENT to be admired.

- Beauty Redefined

So maybe today, we can start by just acknowledging all the things our bodies can do. The ways our bodies serve us. That will be different for every person, as we all have different abilities and limitations. But our bodies woke up today. Your eyes are reading this page. Your fingers are clicking on a mouse or scrolling through a phone. Our bodies are good.

Our bodies are our tools and instruments.

Our bodies are much more than a “before and after” photo.

Trying Times…Feeling Anxious?

10 ways to feel more in control, in a world that’s uncontrollable:

Right now, there’s a lot of stuff happening that is outside our control and that can feel overwhelming or helpless. Whether that be a pandemic, unemployment, systemic racism, injustice, health care, etc there’s a lot of things that feel “out of our hands”.

So what can we do?

1. First and foremost—- take care of yourself! (shower, exercise, eat, meditate, pray, etc)

2. Lobby or contact your local representative

3. Sign petitions

4. Donate to places that align with what you want to see done.

5. Volunteer

6. Find the little things in your own life you can control and recognize them: what you wear, eat, schedule etc.

7. Talk to someone about your anxiety or feelings

8. Filter media and news content. (This can often feed anxiety and helpless feelings)

9. Spend time (in personal or digitally) with people who lift you up

10. Start/keep a gratitude journal

Remember, we can’t control everything…most things even. This list is to help you feel more in control and to help you control what you can.