Interdependence. Do YOU know what it is?

I have been working with teens and adults for over 10 years now. People from all walks of life: education levels, ages, backgrounds, races, orientations...you get the idea. And yet, I rarely run into anyone who knows the word “interdependence”, let alone its meaning. 

Oddly enough, interdependence is one of the most IMPORTANT concepts when it comes to being a healthy you and having healthy relationships….so how have we missed it? 

Maybe you are the rare person who knows exactly what I’m talking about, but on the chance that you don’t, here it is: 

Interdependence- mutually dependent, the state of being respectfully dependent on one another. The ability to maintain your own values and sense of self while caring about and meeting the needs of another.

Why is this different from dependence or codependency? Dependency by nature implies an imbalance. One person is taking care of the other- i.e. a child and parent/caregiver. Codependency is when two people are so dependent on one another that individuality is lost. It is less about mutual respect and relationship, and more about control. 

Here let me show you using circles: 

Dependence:

Think about a baby and a parent/caregiver. The baby is still their own person and working towards independence but right now, they need their parents/caregiver for everything. They are dependent on them for survival. 

Codependency: 

See how you can’t even tell there are two circles there? That is because in codependency, the two individuals cannot function without the other. They often need the other person to be just like them, agree with them, etc in order to be okay. Individuality (disagreement, differences)  is not safe in this type of relationship. *By “safe” I mean...being oneself in the relationship is not permitted, accepted, etc. There are consequences for being you. 

Independence: 

This is a natural part of growth- to become independent. Independence is the stepping stone to interdependence. We need to know how to take care of ourselves and how to meet our own needs before we are able to take care of others. However, two independent people cannot have a relationship without a willingness for some dependence or bending. 

Which leads us to- 

Interdependence: 

See how these circles are joined…they are connected, but you can still see two distinct circles. That is because, it is two independent persons forming a connection and healthy dependency. They are able to be different and have their own thoughts and values while having a relationship. 

Interdependency is a lot of work. Not only are we often not taught it as a concept, but we are not taught how to practice it or achieve it either. Maybe you have found yourself in relationships feeling like you give and give and give. Or you feel alone and like you have no one. Or you feel controlled or insecure in your relationships. These are not roles that have to be set in stone. We are capable of great growth, learning, and change. It often starts with someone saying “I’m going to be a healthier me, and in doing that, I will be a healthier us.” And that is interdependence. 

To learn more about interdependence click here.