The Mindful Partnership

Mindfulness is a major buzz word in our culture right now. And why not? It's such a helpful tool in staying present, combatting anxiety, and increasing positive mood. It can help us feel in control and really focus on the things that are important. 

I love mindfulness and what it does for individuals. But what about couples? What about marriages? How can mindfulness be impactful there as well? 

Did you know that marriage rates and divorce rates are going down? This isn’t a reflection that people are dating or partnering less, but more of a reflection they are less likely to get married. Relationships are still facing the same patterns, stressors, and cycles regardless of a marriage certificate. And while specific populations may have different needs and barriers in relationships, relationships typically all boil down to the same basic needs: 

Communication

Honesty

Respect and Understanding 

Common Goals

Feeling Valued and Seen

Interdependence

Genuine Friendship

Regular Intimacy 

These things sound so simple and easy...but they aren’t. When partners are working jobs, trying to maintain friendships, working on their own health, and having kiddos/pets….having time for an intentional partnership can be low on the priority list. Add in a dash of miscommunication, resentment, or just tiredness, and these simple things can become big stressors. 

While some relationship stressors exist for a season and others are long term and need a more serious intervention…we can all start with basic mindfulness.

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 A “mindful partnership” is the act of staying connected and present in your relationship. Even if that is for only 10 minutes a day. It's looking at a partner and giving a compliment, walking by and touching their arm, it could be writing a 2 minute letter about how you see them, taking a moment to put down the phone and really listen, or looking at the person and thinking of them. A mindful partnership is setting aside a moment to be with them, or stopping to hug. It's also being honest about how you really feel in the moment.

A mindful partnership is you choosing to be there in the moment when it might be easier to check out, go out, talk about the kids, work late, etc. It has to be mindful, otherwise it won’t regularly happen. Mindfulness isn’t about feeling present...it's about becoming present. 

How do we “become more present” when life is pulling us in so many directions? 

Start small. Maybe you set a reminder on your phone to spend 30 seconds a day thinking positive thoughts about your partner. Someone could start by trying to intentionally initiate physical touch at least 1x a day. It could be sending a text or letter that communicates seeing them and all they do. Even just staying off of your phone at dinner could be a start.

The goal isn’t to be mindful all the time….the goal is to grow towards a more mindful partnership one moment at a time.

*If you are struggling in your relationship and feel like you could benefit from a more intense intervention, reach out to a counselor to discuss your options for individual or couple’s counseling. One or both might be a great fit.   

The Day After Election Day…

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Anyone else feeling a little anxious about the upcoming election? Regardless of your candidate of choice, this election is bringing out all sorts of feelings and the majority are not “positive”. Depending on the outcome of this election, the following day, you may find yourself feeling mournful, angry, elated, justified...you may even feel a mix of all of the above.

The day after election day is going to be an intense day for our country. People are uncertain of what to expect and how different groups may react...and that’s on a national level. Maybe you are also uncertain about how this election will impact your workplace, school, or even family. You and your partner may have conflicting views and the coming days may be filled with tension. 

Have you given any thought to what your reaction might be depending on who “wins”? If your candidate loses, what might your day look like? If they win?

Why not prepare now??

It doesn’t have to be just another day for you. It can be a day for which you plan to care for yourself: to mourn, to celebrate, to escape, to rest.

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Here are some ideas for things you can do the day after election day: 

1. Take the day off work

2. Plan something fun- a hike, art project, yoga class, etc

3. Go out with like-minded friends to either celebrate or to commiserate

4. Turn off all your social media for the day

5. Avoid the news

6. Plan your favorite meal or snack for that day

7. Schedule with your therapist 

8. Phone or Skype date with people you love

Maybe you have other ideas of what you might need or want that day. Maybe you just need to go on...business as usual. Whatever you decide, I hope you make a plan and take care of yourself well.

Fall-ing.

For many,  Fall is one of the best times of year. It's sunny- warm but not too warm, the leaves are beautiful, sweaters are the best, and the food starts to get really homey and familiar. But for many with mental health, this time of year can feel like the beginning of the “end”. Because we all know what's RIGHT around the corner…winter. Cold days, little sunshine, holidays that may remind us of those we’ve lost, stress, etc. For many who have mental health, fall signals that things might be about to get worse. 

It makes sense right? We go out less, we have less vitamin D, and the holidays can bring a myriad of emotions. While it makes sense, it still seems to take many of us by surprise. January of every year is ripe with people starting therapy because they feel down, unhealthy, or tired-  and I’m glad they are reaching out! But, even those already in therapy or who have been managing their own mental health may experience a decline over the winter. It's actually REALLY COMMON. 

So what do we do? 

1. Start talking to your providers about it NOW. Whether a therapist or a doctor, start the conversation. Your therapist can help you prep and your doctor can maybe increase medication or start you on vitamins to help counteract. 

2. Start or continue a rhythm. What I mean by this is have something you commit to every week. So it could be Monday night girls night, poker night, guitar lessons, date night, brunch, running group...but it needs to be something with other people, you are committing to, even if just virtually. 

3. Learn something or start something new. In addition to a rhythm that helps you keep getting up and out there, start something that will challenge and motivate you when the winter doldrums start to rear their ugly head.

4. Tell your people. We need people who will ask us how we are and with whom we feel we can answer honestly. 

These things are not a cure for the “winter blues” or the increase in symptoms, however the list above will help manage the symptoms and can alleviate their severity.

What you need to know is this: You are not alone in experiencing a decline in mental health, you do have choices in how to prep and handle the changing of the seasons, and support is never more than a phone call away.

Interdependence. Do YOU know what it is?

I have been working with teens and adults for over 10 years now. People from all walks of life: education levels, ages, backgrounds, races, orientations...you get the idea. And yet, I rarely run into anyone who knows the word “interdependence”, let alone its meaning. 

Oddly enough, interdependence is one of the most IMPORTANT concepts when it comes to being a healthy you and having healthy relationships….so how have we missed it? 

Maybe you are the rare person who knows exactly what I’m talking about, but on the chance that you don’t, here it is: 

Interdependence- mutually dependent, the state of being respectfully dependent on one another. The ability to maintain your own values and sense of self while caring about and meeting the needs of another.

Why is this different from dependence or codependency? Dependency by nature implies an imbalance. One person is taking care of the other- i.e. a child and parent/caregiver. Codependency is when two people are so dependent on one another that individuality is lost. It is less about mutual respect and relationship, and more about control. 

Here let me show you using circles: 

Dependence:

Think about a baby and a parent/caregiver. The baby is still their own person and working towards independence but right now, they need their parents/caregiver for everything. They are dependent on them for survival. 

Codependency: 

See how you can’t even tell there are two circles there? That is because in codependency, the two individuals cannot function without the other. They often need the other person to be just like them, agree with them, etc in order to be okay. Individuality (disagreement, differences)  is not safe in this type of relationship. *By “safe” I mean...being oneself in the relationship is not permitted, accepted, etc. There are consequences for being you. 

Independence: 

This is a natural part of growth- to become independent. Independence is the stepping stone to interdependence. We need to know how to take care of ourselves and how to meet our own needs before we are able to take care of others. However, two independent people cannot have a relationship without a willingness for some dependence or bending. 

Which leads us to- 

Interdependence: 

See how these circles are joined…they are connected, but you can still see two distinct circles. That is because, it is two independent persons forming a connection and healthy dependency. They are able to be different and have their own thoughts and values while having a relationship. 

Interdependency is a lot of work. Not only are we often not taught it as a concept, but we are not taught how to practice it or achieve it either. Maybe you have found yourself in relationships feeling like you give and give and give. Or you feel alone and like you have no one. Or you feel controlled or insecure in your relationships. These are not roles that have to be set in stone. We are capable of great growth, learning, and change. It often starts with someone saying “I’m going to be a healthier me, and in doing that, I will be a healthier us.” And that is interdependence. 

To learn more about interdependence click here.

Body Talk.

Anyone else feeling a bit embarrassed about their body these days? Whether it be a lifetime of battling negative thoughts, or new thoughts brought on by stress and COVID-19, we are constantly being bombarded with body image and weight messaging.

You can go on social media, the news, talk to your friend….and you will see and hear wording like:

“COVID weight gain.”

“pre and post covid body”

“summer body”

“I’m so fat.”

“My jeans don’t fit”

I recently saw a headline that said: “The COVID 15” referencing the average weight people have gained under lockdown.

While there is a collective joking about the weight gain, the joking serves to mask our discomfort. Because let’s be honest, as a society, we are not okay with weight gain. How we view ourselves can GREATLY impact our mental health.

It can cause:

1. Shame

2. Avoidance of friends and social situations.

3. Eating disorders.

4. Comparisons and obsessive behaviors.

5. Negative self-talk

6. Depression

7. Anxiety.

So what do we do? It is an(my) opinion, that we have to start with reframing our ideas about our body and its purpose. When we start to challenge our own thoughts and ideas about our bodies, then we can begin to call out the negative talk, give grace to our shame and embarrassment, and honor the body we have. There is a FABULOUS group on Instagram called “Beauty Redefined” and they have a pointed quote that reads:

Loving your body isn’t believing that your body LOOKS GOOD, its believing that your body IS GOOD, regardless of how it looks. It is understanding that your body is an INSTRUMENT for your use, not an ORNAMENT to be admired.

- Beauty Redefined

So maybe today, we can start by just acknowledging all the things our bodies can do. The ways our bodies serve us. That will be different for every person, as we all have different abilities and limitations. But our bodies woke up today. Your eyes are reading this page. Your fingers are clicking on a mouse or scrolling through a phone. Our bodies are good.

Our bodies are our tools and instruments.

Our bodies are much more than a “before and after” photo.

Trying Times…Feeling Anxious?

10 ways to feel more in control, in a world that’s uncontrollable:

Right now, there’s a lot of stuff happening that is outside our control and that can feel overwhelming or helpless. Whether that be a pandemic, unemployment, systemic racism, injustice, health care, etc there’s a lot of things that feel “out of our hands”.

So what can we do?

1. First and foremost—- take care of yourself! (shower, exercise, eat, meditate, pray, etc)

2. Lobby or contact your local representative

3. Sign petitions

4. Donate to places that align with what you want to see done.

5. Volunteer

6. Find the little things in your own life you can control and recognize them: what you wear, eat, schedule etc.

7. Talk to someone about your anxiety or feelings

8. Filter media and news content. (This can often feed anxiety and helpless feelings)

9. Spend time (in personal or digitally) with people who lift you up

10. Start/keep a gratitude journal

Remember, we can’t control everything…most things even. This list is to help you feel more in control and to help you control what you can.